HOOP JUMPING IS AN ART FORM

It never ceases to amaze me how we can totally give ourselves heart attacks over nothing much.  And it seems that we really only start to do that to ourselves as we hit the mid-50s range.  Does dry mouth and thumping heart sound familiar when you think you’ve lost your car keys and now, how will you get home?  How many times have you turned your purse upside down looking for your car keys?  Doesn’t matter that you’re in a public place, i.e. drug store, supermarket or the doctor’s office. Your entire life is laid bare in the 10 seconds or so that it takes to shake everything out, only to find that dam key chain looped over your ring finger. 
 
And what about tearing our cupboards apart and all of our drawers, looking for a dumb receipt so that we can take a $1.98 something back to Wal-Mart?  This takes about 3 – 4 hours.  Do the math and figure out how much that just cost you per hour.  Oh, and let’s keep in mind what  gasoline costs these days - about $1.30 per litre (roughly $5.00 a gallon) - so even just the drive to Wal-Mart is probly gonna cost you more than the something you’re returning.  Oh, and what about ‘that call’ you’ve been waiting for – just seeing their name show up on call display is enough to feel a double-time flutter.

It really freaks me out to recognize these things that I do these days and I’m really scared about the Wal-Mart receipt thing, ‘cause when I start doing that, I figure that I’m just about ready for that retirement home that someone’s going stick me in when they figure I’m ‘passed it’.

But, sigh, I’m off topic already and I haven’t even really started.  The reason for the title of this piece, HOOP JUMPING IS AN ART FORM, actually refers to an e-mail I got from Pearl, the coordinator of a business program to which I’m applying.  This is so I can learn how to be a business woman in the proper way, unlike the Delusional Moron, whom I’m not even sure graduated from high school, and conducts his business the same way he grew up, which is by the seat of his pants. This course is supposed to teach me how not to be like him.  Since I’m in my right mind (I can hear you sniggering, people), I figure I’ll have a huge head-start on not only opening my own business but having it grow and sustain me well into my golden years, unlike the Delusional Moron, who took a viable business and ran it into the ground in just over 3 short years.

In some ways I empathize and sympathize with the boy he had been and the deprivation he experienced, growing up with his single mother, someone I refer to as The Supreme Narcissist.   I remember a conversation she had with me a couple of years ago when she said, “I’m the best mother a son could have.”

“Why?” I ask.  I thought she would say something like, ‘Oh, because I was there every day when he got home from school’, or ‘I made sure he had a decent roof over his head and food on the table’.  But no, she said, “I took him to Australia when he was only nine years old.” 

My jaw hit the desk with a hollow sounding thump, and I scrutinize her heavily made up face, and can see that she is serious.  Her clown-like lips are pursed into a brilliant scarlet bow and the penciled-in eyebrows are halfway up her forehead, and perilously close to her thin hairline. Over-processed black hair, improbable on her almost 80 year old head, with parrot-green eye shadow caked in her wrinkled eyelids, together with the star burst design capillary potato nose complete the picture and provide a great example of ‘Rode hard and put away wet.’  But I digress…

So, although I feel that the Delusional Moron surely did me a dis-service by laying me off because he just couldn’t get it together, I do understand why he is the way he is, which is why I am literally writing my way to another chapter in my almost 60 years of life.   

In order to qualify for the program I’m applying to, I have to complete an 18 page Guide for Business Development.  Essentially, it’s a mini Business Plan and I believe, at some point going through this program, it actually transmogrifies into a genuine Business Plan, which you can take to the bank, if you need to, for a loan.  My hoop jumping lessons are about to begin!

HOOP #1 - First, you need to be referred to the program by an (un)employment expert, ‘cause there are a bunch of documents you need to provide.   

HOOP #2 - The expert needs to forward the information you’ve given her/him to the Business program coordinator and he/she needs to approve you.  

HOOPS #3, 4, 5 & 6 - You have to attend an info meeting, which is also when you are introduced to the Guide for Business Development for the first time.  Then three more 3-hour sessions, where you learn more about the program and how to fill out your mammoth Guide.   No, it’s not like you are given any answers.  You may ask questions in a general sense but you have to come up with acceptable responses, based on doing your homework.  This is especially true in the Market Research section, where you are expected to convince all governing bodies (and there are a few in the queue), that not only do you have a solid business idea but are able to prove that there’s enough demand for your type of business to keep you in business. You even have to talk to 5 business owners who are considered to be competitors, to get their take on how well/not so good/could be better they are doing.  You also have to be able to come up with a decent amount of seed money, which has to be a combo of cash and equity.  And no, you are not allowed to use the equity in your house; the rational being that if your business does go belly up, they don’t want to see you living in a cardboard box under a bridge ‘cause the bank took your house.     

HOOP #7 - Around the beginning of March, with bated breath, I submit my Guide for the first time.  It didn’t take Pearl long to get back to me, which, when I saw that it was her calling, had one of “those” heart attack (figuratively) moments.  We have a long discussion about the Market Research I have done and Pearl tells me I have to do it again, this time with competitors who have businesses which mirror my own more closely.  Sigh.  So, I start that part all over again, having a telephone conference with one woman, which lasted over 2 hours.   We hit if off and are slated to meet in person soon.   The others I meet face-to-face, one of whom is based in Orillia.  Oh well, it was a nice day for a drive and Sofie, The Wonder Dog, was able to come with me.  We had a delightful morning with Marjorie and her baby, one year old Barnabas.  Marjorie has had her home-based business for a number of years and we have an interesting chat about challenges, relationships and the joys of being your own boss.  It was worth the drive to Orillia, especially so when Barnabas gives me a sweet baby kiss.  The coffee was terrific too.

It takes me just about a week to meet with everyone, gathering their input and conveying it to the Guide in a cohesive manner, which would pass Pearl’s muster.  Another few restless nights and then, wonder of wonders, Pearl’s e-mail arrives in my in-box to say that my Guide has been accepted.  Yippee!

HOOP #8 - Now there are 3 more forms which need to be completed and we have to meet again so I could sign stuff, etc.  Then I wait for the appropriate government official to approve my Program Coordinator’s recommendation, which will take at least 2-4 weeks.   

HOOP #9 - I have keep on job hunting right up to the start of the program.

Based on what other program graduates have told me, there is still more HOOP jumping to come.  I can’t wait.  I’m getting so good at it, that I consider it an art form, you know, similar to training in karate or another Martial Art and when this program helps me to become a Successful Business Owner, I should be at least a little bit slimmer from all the exercise.  

P.S.  UPDATE:  Hoop jumping has paid off.  It’s official.  I have been accepted into the business program and will be starting soon.  I’m looking forward to using my ‘business brain’ again.  I think it’s been in cold storage for too long.

 

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